Chain Mail Forwards

Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 12 Homicides of the Year." Here they are:

1. (Deleted)

2. (Unlikely)
Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3. (Amusing Revenge)
Peter, 42, is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, who had just been sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha felt that if she couldn't have dinner "no one should," and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared for dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing... until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later. (Frank Edwards contradicts: "Rat poison in coffee is quite unlikely to work. The active ingredient in is usually warfarin, a blood thinner that takes several days to act. Nobody 'promptly collapses' from a dose of warfarin, no matter how large.)

4. (Failed Seduction)
David, 17, was killed by his girlfriend Charla after he attempted to "have his way with her." His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. The girlfriend father had given it to her an hour before the date started, "just in case."

5. (Landlord Mayhem)
Javier, 27, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years. The landlord clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Javier last paid his rent.

6. (Surprise Ending)
Megan, 44, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wanders onto a live firing 'fake town' training simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!". The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their mark. "She looked like a very realistic target," one of the troopers stated in his report.

7. (Senseless Violence)
Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8. (Scientific Murder)
Helena, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms, is killed by her husband after she has an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eyeshadow with a Uranium dust that was highly radioactive. She died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many extreme symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, debilitating nausea, and even the loss of an ear lobe, the victim never attended a doctors' surgery or went to a hospital for a check up.

9. (Overkill)
Military Sergeant Carl Joe killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with trintynitrate explosive, similar to C4. (Talk about useless analogies. What's C4?) The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a crater 55 meters deep, and 500m of missing road.

10. (Dubious)
Patty, 35, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of Sunday morning. Her neighbor Falt Hame had had an F6 phantom jet engine mounted in his rear yard for years. He would fire the jet engine aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty constantly complained to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr. Hame was eventually served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not appreciating this, he invited Patty over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What she didn't know was that Falt had covertly changed the position of the engine. As she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11. (Definitely Not PC)
Michael, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengeance" as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend Tony into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God loves the KKK." on the other. Michael then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Tony was deceased.

12. (Family Dispute)
Conrad, 26, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me. Brian". Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process...

Tom Canning forwarded this dubious chainmail.