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Jeep van CarrEssay on the Origin of the Darwin Awards |
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All I have to say is: The Darwin Awards. You're smiling now, aren't you? For those of you who aren't smiling, remember: it takes only four muscles to smile, but 346 muscles to click away from the Darwin Awards and head on over to one of those other hot-shot humor sites. Stick around and maybe you'll actually use those four muscles. For the rest of you who are already smiling because you believe that the introduction to this column was enough to blow you away, here's hoping you avoid a nomination as next year's Darwin Award Winner. The Darwin Awards are given to individuals who furthered the evolution of the human race by eliminating themselves from the gene pool. For example, remember the New Year's Eve party where you tried to open a champagne bottle with your teeth and the cork got wedged in your throat? And you would haveve choked to death on the spot, if Bruno in the corner hadn't come over and punched you in the stomach for looking at his girlfriend? That year, you were almost a candidate for a Darwin Award. The downside to a Darwin Award is that one has to be removed from the gene pool to win. For instance, at that same New Year's Eve party, if you had ended up going home with Bruno's girl, and nine months later you are babysitting the little one while she sneaks off to kiss Bruno, you're no longer eligible for a Darwin Award. You've procreated. Damn Bruno! The Darwin Awards are, according to my own flawed research, one of the first email humor traditions. People laughed to receive them, and forwarded them to friends, who forward them right back to the person who sent them because no one can remember who sent what and who's received what. |
Some of the events recounted in these emails are too weird to have really happened. Most of the stories generally go something like this:
Is there a Darwin Awards Committee? And if there is one, what are its standards? I'm not even sure of the proper syntax for that last sentence. What I do know is that the emails I receive are pretty funny, and even I can't resist passing them on to others who have undoubtedly already seen and forwarded it themselves. The awards are called annual, but they seem to come out at least every two months. I doubt that the Darwin Galapagos estate sees a whole lot in royalties from the distribution of the awards. The worst-case scenario is that the awards are a hoax and we're all a bunch of idiots for even suspecting that they could be true. The best-case scenario is that we are a community amused and relieved by the death of someone intellectually inferior to us. Or maybe I have the best- and worst-case scenarios reversed. But, dammit, the Darwin Awards belong to us, the Netheads! I don't think they existed before the internet. I never see them anywhere but in an email box. I never heard of them prior to the advent of the internet.Darwinism ideals will continue to spread like a virus that kills all the weak birds in a flock, and we, yes, you and I, my friends, are the parasitic hosts. Now relax those four muscles, you know which ones, and check your email. I hear the awards are due out soon. Or visit the Darwin Awards online! |
Copyright
Jeep van Carr
August 1999
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